I Am

What is it that I want to write about? The ever-present truth, that loses meaning as time is devoted on the non-important elements of life that sustain the ego and rob the mind, heart and body of the nutrition that is vital for sustenance.
Who is this person that holds the pen and claims to know more than the others or claims to know more on the subject, to be an authority on the subject?
Who is this person that says “I write?”
I just want to write; to let words flow across the paper like a minute spark of coal spreads quickly and devours the entire forest; I want to devour the paper that is empty.
Is it a mere illusion?
Is the paper really empty? What do I write? My thoughts flying through my mind, like clouds in the sky. I AM NOT MY THOUGHTS!
Whose words are flowing through me as my pen forms shapes that are words?
From the formless depth of my being, I write about nothing, about being nothing, and about going back into nothingness.
What I call this form my body, is temporary. What I call my beauty is temporary. I use every technique available to a woman in this day and age to make my outer body presentable; palatable. But who knows what is this storm rising inside me?
Who sees the ugliness that is my negative thoughts that try to become the host of my body? Nobody. Who sees the beauty that is my inner peace that sits quietly inside me when the outside weather is cloudy?
The storm inside swells and seeps into my action.
Who is this who controls my thoughts?
Aren’t thoughts just visitors? Then why do we let them become the hosts. Who gives them the key to prolong their stay? Aren’t visitors called exactly that, “visitors,” because their stay is temporary? So are we visitors in this temporary world. Then why visitors host other visitors in a house that is not their own?
I want to continue writing; to end this gibberish but I let go. Someone else is writing, and she is mad; she wants to write, and write, and write and write; and let it all out in open so in the end what is left is the nectar; an ounce of truth that is my soul; bare, and vulnerable. Awakened. Like a new born.
But why am I in rush?

Talk about Self Esteem

I work with people all the time and let me tell you this, I meet all sorts of people, humble, polite, grumpy, moody, growly, you-need-to do-this rightnow types, hold my hand types, I-am-so-dumb-you-know-more-so-it-only-makes-sense-that-you-help-me types, i-am-right-and-you-are-wrong types and most commonly those who as how I am doing but don't really care to listen, some thing like, "Hey how do doing, i just need this form filled" or etc etc, before I get a chance to say I am fantastic, they have said one whole paragraph about why there are at here.

Today I want to talk about one woman in particular, who knew me from my previous job, sort of like a I-know-you-so-I-will come-to-you kind of thing. So I asked her "How are you?" She shrugged her shoulders like, eh just going. She told me why she was here at my window, and I started helping her, when her cell phone rang; she talked. I asked, "Are you alright." I felt something was not right, she said "its my fiance, I just get tired of talking to him." Whoa, I was shocked;
I said, "And he is just your fiance rightnow...." (implying what will happen when you get married, wake up lady." She sortof pushed her cellphone in front of my face, and like "this is him." I looked at the screen I saw a handsome black man with two white children (boy and girl in their early teens having a good time with the kids." "Hey he looks familier"I said, "Does he live in North Portland?" "No,he just came from Tennesse," She replied. "Ummm, so whats the problem," I questioned her. "I don't know what he likes in me. Look at him, he is soo handsome, what does he see in me?" she blurted.
I felt my energy taking a dive southwards. "Sure she needs a makeover, and good clothes, and sexy clothes, and dye her hair darker, and dress her curvy body nicely. But this white woman saw herself as failure. The black man in the picture, standing in the park with this woman's two children found her attractive nonethless. Just the way she was. And here she was using negativity which might one day push him away from her and she will ask "Why does this happen to me?"
He is her fiance, and she gets tired talking to him?

What this made me realize? After she left from my window I felt a surge of gratitue for all that I have in my life. I thanked God for the wonderful, mindful soulmate he gave me, whom I am completely, fully in love with. I felt gratitue for my self-esteem and my body-image.

Things that we take for granted sometimes comes across when we see others not behaving like us.

What do you think dear reader? Have you had any situations like this? Share your thoughts and opinions.

Have a great day!